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Authors: Ted L. Nancy

More letters from a nut

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MORE LETTERS FROM A NUTA Bantam Book / April 1998

All rights reserved.Copyright © 1998 by Ted L. Nancy’s Hand-Dipped Productions.Introduction copyright © 1998 by Jerry Seinfeld.Book design by Dana Treglia.No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.For information address: Bantam Books.

eBook ISBN: 978-0-8041-4980-8Hardcover ISBN: 978-0-553-10958-0

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Nancy, Ted L.

More letters from a nut / by Ted L. Nancy;more introduction by Jerry Seinfeld.

p.    cm.

ISBN 978-0-553-10958-0

1. Letters-Humor.   2. American wit and humor.   I. Title.

PN6131.N365      1998

813’.54—dc215              98-4923

                                       CIP

Published simultaneously in the United States and Canada

Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of The Random House Publishing Group, Inc. Its trademark, consisting of the words “Bantam Books” and the portrayal of arooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada.

v3.1

DEDICATED TO MY BEAUTIFUL PARENTSRita & Marty Marder

When I said to my mother “You thought I was going toend up delivering pizzas for a living,” she said,“I was hoping.”

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Phyllis Murphy. A joy. Forever.

Dan Strone. Fine agent. Very smart indeed. A good man.

The United States Post Office. I’ve never thanked them. It’s about time. The job they do is so needed and important. Thank you Post Office. You are appreciated!

Jerry Seinfeld. Funniest person I know. Keeps me laughing every single day. I think it would be impossible to imagine a world without him. As soon as I hear his voice on the phone, we’re laughing together.

ContentsCoverTitle PageCopyrightDedicationAcknowledgmentsIntroductionWhat’s Kookin’?I’m Out with PeopleI Need More Help!Waste is a Terrible Thing to MindStrawberry Feels ForeverCooped UpBlatherThank You for Accepting MeEpilogueOther Books by This AuthorAbout the AuthorMORE INTRODUCTION

Ifully admit that I bear a certain responsibility for the success and popularity of Ted Nancy. I discovered him, I promoted him, I allowed his name to be associated with mine. So I do accept the responsibility, but not the blame. I want it known that I never encouraged Mr. Nancy. I never asked him to further explore the dark inner passageways of his mind disease that is in full lurid bloom in this new book. I have decided I no longer want this micro-brained sociopath’s ink on my hands.

In the beginning it all seemed like just a little mindless fun. “Hey, Dan,” I said to Dan Strone, my good friend, trusted advisor, and super-agent of the William Morris Agency, “let’s see if we can get this crazy guy’s letters published as a book.” Who knows, I thought, maybe people will get a kick out of it. How could I have not seen where it would lead? Why didn’t I think? Am I so drunk on my own cool-medium charisma that I’ve totally lost my ability to discriminate between the sane and the Nancy?

Not that I could even surmise what it is that Ted Nancy is actually after. He certainly doesn’t seem to want any of these things—for which he so passionately strives—for very long. He seems to inexplicably flit from one thing to another like a monkey on a fast-food griddle:

“I look like Chester A. Arthur and I want to go to a football game.”

“I’m painted orange and I need to stay in your hotel.”

“I love your fork!”

What is his compulsion to disturb innocent, honest, hardworking people? People who are doing nothing more than attempting to conduct their daily business in a dignified fashion.

Why write to a wedding chapel in Las Vegas requesting to have sex in their office after the ceremony? And then when they refuse, to not take no for an answer. To write back again and again. “We wouldreally like to have sex in your office.” Does anyone deserve to be accosted in this way?

What is even the entertainment value in reading these imbecilic missives? Don’t we want people doing their jobs and contributing to the growth of our nation? Or do we want them sidetracked for hours by this addle-brained, one-man Special Olympics? Do the good civil servants of Las Cruces, New Mexico, really need to step away from their desks to respond to a sub-moronic concept like selling fried chum to the general public through a chain of 1,032 Hungry Mosquito-themed restaurants all supposedly opening on the same day? Does a plastic surgeon need to take time out of his day to deal with a request to have a big toe grafted onto someone’s face where his nose used to be? I think perhaps not.

I used to wonder if someday I would even find the real Ted L. Nancy. Now I worry that he someday will find me.

–Jerry Seinfeld February 1998

Full text of the above letter to follow.

560 No. Moorpark Rd. #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Aug 27, 1996

Customer Service Dept.

GOOD COOK DINNER FORK CO.

BRADSHAW INTERNATIONAL, INC

9303 Greenleaf Ave

Santa Fe Springs, CA 90670

Dear Customer Service Dept.,

I just want to tell you how happy I am with my fork. I use it all the time. In this world of people not giving others credit I just want to say that the Good Cook Dinner Fork company makes a very good fork. Maybe the best fork I have ever used! Certainly better than my spoon.

I use your fork on the following: mashed potatoes, melon chunks, cranberry roll, beets, corn, lettuce, cake.

Please let me know that the people who made my fork were thanked. They deserve more than just looking at forks all day. Let them know others are out there and they care!!! Thank you.

I look forward to hearing from you soon. In the meantime I will continue to use my fork on the following: Sandwich meat, pie, pineapple, imitation crab, yams, rice, gumbo.

Will you be coming out with any new fork designs soon? I like my fork, but I want to be up to date on the fork designs. Will there be more prongs? I am satisfied with the number of prongs I have now, but you never know. Thanks for thanking the fork makers for me and writing me back and telling me they were thanked. Thanks.

Best Wishes,

Ted L. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

August 28, 1996

BB-1429

Mr. Ted L. Nancy

560 No. Moorpark Road, #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Dear Mr. Nancy,

We received your letter and are very happy you like your fork.

I assure you, we will thank the manufacturers of the fork.

We are always developing new products, so keep your eyes peeled and watch for a new fork!

Sincerely,

BRADSHAW INTERNATIONAL, INC.

Brett Bradshaw

Brand Manager

BB:kmb

9303 Greenleaf AvenueSanta Fe Springs, CA 90670(310) 946-7466FAX (310) 946-6070(800) 421-6290

Full text of the above letter to follow.

560 No. Moorpark Rd. #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Oct 25, 1996

Administration

THE COCA COLA COMPANY

1 Coca Cola Plz., NW

Atlanta, GA 30313

Dear Coca Cola:

I have a beverage called Kiet Doke. Will it interfere with your beverage – Diet Coke. The taste is NOT SIMILAR at all!! (Mine tastes like Pepsi).

I sell my Kiet Doke to mostly construction workers who love it. One guy said, “This sure DOESN’T taste like Coca Cola.”

Let me know so I can continue to sell my soda. Thanks. By the way do you use caramel in your soda? Just checking. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

LEGAL DIVISIONJanuary 9, 1997

Mr. Ted L. Nancy

560 No. Moorpark Road #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

RE: KIET DOKE (Our Reference Number 145342)

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you for your letter of October 25, 1996 inquiring whether you may continue using the trademark KIET DOKE in association with a beverage.

As the owner of a federal registration for the famous trademark “diet Coke”, we cannot consent to your use of KIET DOKE in association with a beverage. We believe KIET DOKE is confusingly similar to our trademark “diet Coke”, and are concerned that an appreciable number of consumers will believe that The Coca-Cola Company endorses your product. As a result, we must insist that you immediately take action to discontinue use of KIET DOKE.

If you are willing to immediately cease and desist using KIET DOKE, and agree not to use any product name or trademark similar to trademarks of The Coca-Cola Company in association with beverages in the future, please sign the spaces provided and return this letter to me. If you would like to discuss this, I may be reached at the numbers below. If we have not received this signed agreement within fifteen (15) days of the date of this letter, we will assume you do not agree to these terms.

Sincerely,

Nancy V. Stephens

Trademark Counsel

(404) 676-3035-Telephone - (404) 676-7682-Fax

Full text of the above letter to follow.

560 No Moorpark Rd. #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Mar 29, 1997

MS. NANCY V. STEPHENS

COCA COLA

PO Drawer 1734

Atlanta, GA 30301

Dear Ms. Nancy V. Stephens,

I have decided that I willnotsell my KIET DOKE beverage any more. The product is discontinued. I am taking my $700.00 out of the bank and my 11 cans of Kiet Doke that are left and bringing them home. (They are in my room now).

I now realize it was a poorly thought out idea. It was stupid. I mean if you went to 7-11 and saw in the cooler Dr. Pepper, Orange Crush, Wink, and Kiet Doke would you choose Kiet Doke? I don’t think so. The idea was bad. Who was I to think that someone would choose Kiet Doke? I am embarrassed over what I now consider to be a terrible idea.

So let this letter stand as my admission that I have ceased and desisted. There will be no more Kiet Doke on the market. I am sorry I bothered you. I am sorry I wasted your time.

And please look out for my new beverage – PIET DEPSI. With the familiar slogan: “It Tastes Nothing Like Coke!” (Will be in coolers soon). Piet Depsi is a thirst quenching drink which, I believe, does not taste like your drink.

Enjoy it! Also, what about the caramel in your soda? Are you using a lot of it? Thanks.

Respectfully,

Ted L. Nancy

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